Less than Three. (and the questioner of soulmates)

I guess I just sort of get lost. I want to redesign me. I want to be someone I love. I want to try and think a different way. I don't want to repeat the get insulted, insult back, feel guilty, apologize cycle anymore. I'm tired of people overreacting and screaming. I'm tired of being a hypocrite and doing it all too. I think maybe it's healthy just to scream once in a while. I think maybe we should give everything our all. I want people to know me inside and out, yet I don't want to be predictable. I want to grow and learn without being told I suck or I'm an idiot. Because I decided, I Don't Suck. I'm Not An Idiot. I'm Me, Myself and I. Nothing less. Nothing more. That's all I need to be. Me.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I think you can feel sparks or jump to conclusions. But to love someone you have to get to know them. Say you know for sure they're your soulmate. My mom entertained the idea that we don't just have one soulmate. Maybe it's healthy to date more than one people at once. Well I guess it would depend on the extent of the dating activities with each person. But maybe, you're not supposed to meet up with your match in kindergarten in the sandbox and never look at anyone else. Maybe we're supposed to feel heartbreak before we can fall in love. I'm not saying to leave someone because they want to just date you. I've never actually dated. It's been relationships, and it's (of course) important to stay loyal. But what I'm saying is don't get angry when they're not perfect, if the sparks you felt that you were sure were deep unbreakable thread knotting you and them together fade away. Don't lose hope. Don't give up. It's all just part of living. There are 6 billion people out there. To let one discouraging experience crush your heart forever more is like winning the lottery, losing a quarter of it, and giving it all away because of your loss.

No matter what happens, remember that someone somewhere cares about you. You don't have to prove anyone right or wrong. Set your own path that you like and feel good about. But is that right? Is it questionable? Is it selfish? I really have no idea. Taking my advice isn't very helpful, because I flip flop sides.

Competing against time (and Wonderings in Ramblings)

It's all speeding by, a blur, everything racing, whipping my hair around, making me want to stop but not having time to consideration stopping to think. Everyone is going, leaving, departing. Off to explore a new place, make new friends, gain self insight. And I'm stuck here. But at the same time, I consider myself so lucky for staying and not going anywhere. I wouldn't give up living in this location for the world. And staying. Staying makes things easier. The hard part is getting to stay and having others leave. Everything changes. The cat is out of the bag. Beauty in the eye of the beholder. Imagine if the world is all a reflection, shining on a huge stream of infinity and eternity and things beyond our comprehension. This isn't the real world. The real world is more than resting on a wavering surface. The real world is what's making the reflection. We have no idea what the real world is. If this is just a mimic of reality, then I overreact. If nothing matters, why do anything? Why be nice? Why make the best of this insane uncertain fantasy? Why not just relax, eat, and be merry. No obligations. No reasoning. No work. No responsibility. On the other side (of the reflection?) maybe everything we do happens for a reason.


I am. Uncertain.


Got Milk? Got Enlightment? Got Love? Got Lost?


Fate, kudos, karma, hugs, and all that great stuff. Clouding my clear vision of the wacked out life.

Continued Arguements (minus the "e"....the one in the middle of arguement/argument?)

Anthony pointed out that the def. in my Nothing entry, number three that is was an oxymoron in and of itself. Oh and also, for once I'm quoting myself, which I don't like to do because then I feel self-centered. But the blog is all about my thoughts, so if I'm gunna do the self-absorbed thing, might as well go all the way.


Q (Becca Bushman): Do you agree with this? "Self is created, not found."
A (Amelia Diehl, Becca Bushman - point of view):

Amelia: i read your new post and i can

Im still thinking abuot the last qustion

i think i agree, because of what u said about there being no fate

what do you think?

me: sometimes i worrying about losing myself

but i like the idea that you make what you are, you don't stumble upon it

hey they was good

that

not they

ugh

Self Creation Vs. Self Foundation

I had a fantastic conversation with two amazing people who I love. Afterward I almost had trouble expressing myself. I couldn't word anything right. I felt like I had wrecked everything after a great conversation. But apparently I'm the only one who felt that way, I don't think anyone else noticed. The weird thing is, you would think you would better express yourself after all that. But I sort of let myself...fall....open and I was just pulling it together.


Do you agree with this?
"Self must be created, not found"

Considering the obvious as more than "fluff"

Amelia: of course

i like writing most of the time

but its annoying because uhave to make thoughts that u understand in your mind understandable to others and transfer them into normal english

i wrote a few pages on that

You know, I don't even know what to think half the time. I mean, I contradict myself, I hog the computer, I trip over my own feet and trip on other people and make them trip, I can be annoying, I can be defensive, I can be a wimp. It's all statements of fact. But in fact statements of fact can be worded as insults. So then do they remain statements of fact or are they twisted so they aren't so much facts as accusations. Is insulting yourself or others better? Then again, here comes round the question "Is it ok to insult others or yourself (for me it's almost always myself) if it's true?" But if the statements of fact are twisted, it's not really the truth anymore, is it? Well you can answer that one for yourself.

Oh and you know, I've been thinking. Well OK, almost every if not all these blog entries are about thinking for me. But is it OK to tell a secret about someone after promising not to but think it was for the greater good. Also, this trust thing is hard. You work and work and work to build it, then you can lose it in a second. Almost makes you wonder if it's worth it, even though you know you wouldn't go far without at least one person trusting you.

Is it ok to question someone's lifestyle because it isn't your own? I'm all for open mindedness but what if the person is solemnly convinced that their lifestyle is "the" lifestyle and there is no other and you are wrong. Sure use the line "I respect your opinion and would appreciate if you repected mine." but then what? You're left to consider. I like those questions at school with no right or wrong answer. Because instead of focusing your mind on solving one question, you can consider all possibilities. Would this change if I was older? Does the past influence my decision, or is it about the present? I've come to the conclusion that fate does not exist. There I said it. Yep. I think destiny isn't real. Let me explain before you yell at me for questioning the inevitable. There is logic (well my form of logic) behind this. You see, we make choices everyday. We decide to breath, to open our eyes, to talk to people to talk to us, to eat or skip breakfast, what to wear, how we take insults, if we smile at people when we meet them or scowl, etc. So you see, our choices in the past have made our present what it is today, sure other factors weigh in but in general it's how we act accordingly that makes us who we are. The choices we make now affect the future. And the future is the result of choices made in the past and choices we're making now. So nothing is set in stone. The only thing constant is change. Little change, and nothing everything has to change at once. Not saying that will never happen. Because it can and will in some cases. Life is a roller coaster. It's unpredictable. Never give up, because as long as you have air to breath and choices to make life isn't over. Don't give up on life before it gives up on you. It's a waste. You have so many opportunities, so many changes and chances. Don't think that your path is laid out before you. Think of yourself making your own path and being happy you don't have to be anyone but you. Now that I'm done with the cheesy speech, make what you will of it.

Nothing: Myth or Real

Today one genius friend of mine was being, well a genius (pretty easy to follow story) and she said this:

Amelia: we;re talking about nothing

nothing is acualy something

i mean, if u think about it, there IS no "nothing"

So what we decided to do, the trio of fantastic bloggers, is to all write a blog entry about this whole nothing concept. How can there be nothing? Is it possible, but beyond our comprehension. Come to think of it, how did someone even come up with the whole "beyond our understanding concept"? Maybe the same person questioned "nothingness" for the first time too. Anyway, I have had hundreds of chats were someone says to another person (or more than one) what's up, and they say, nothing. Then on the rare occasion where I pry for fun I ask, Nothing at all, and they say, yup. Because in essence, that's questioning because they seem so confident with this whole nothing thing. Sure they don't think about it, but hey, they're saying it, and that can be seen as voicing an opinion. But at the same time, people ask me (Ok, Ok, my parents ask me) what I learned at school that day. Either I have some creative response at the ready that took me way too long to come up with, or I mumble, eh - nothin. But that means I'm contradicting myself (Who woulda thunk it?) because I'm arguing that nothing is nothing in the realms of possibility, if that makes sense. Is using it as a term any different than actually weighing the pros and cons (if any, there have to be some) or nothing. Can you be nothing? Can you feel nothing? Can you do nothing? Can someone be nothing to you? Is there anything beyond nothing? Is nothing such a misconception that it should be officially removed from all the dictionaries? What is nothing? Is nothing not....anything? Or is nothing something that didn't have a name? Does it have a name now, is it any clearer, or still just nothing? Is nothing like the word cliche, used too frequently and misused? Who came up with the word? Were they remembered, or were they nothing to the world? Let's look it up (dictionary.com style)

3.	something that is nonexistent.

4.	nonexistence; nothingness: The sound faded to nothing.

Those two are questionable for me. Other entries seem to back me up on this quest to find out if nothing is nothing or if nothing is something or if nothing is everything. I'm getting really absorbed actually. How sad is it to be absorbed in nothingness? I'll leave that up to you to decide. And now I'll leave abruptly without closing the entry because I'm so bad at conclusions. Because you know it's not the end. The debate has just begun.

Difficulities for the Average HumanBean

What do I want? A good life I guess. But today, I wanted to hang out. And I did not get what i wanted. But the thing is, will it matter a year from now? Actually yes, because one of my core friends won't be here a year from now. But actually, will this one little day matter. You know when you painstakingly preform a time consuming skill requiring task, and you finish - 30 minutes of intense pride and fufillment. Then you start to consider the 6 billion other people in the world. And then suddenly all you did doesn't matter so much. It won't feed starving people, it won't get us out of rapidly growing debt in war costs, it won't stop anything bad, it won't start anything to benefit a nation. It won't preserve people on the verge of death, won't act as a shield against any natural disasters. Something that commands our full attention and effort and time can be equal to beyond nothing to another. Is it good that we're different, should we even bother with these little things? Should we look at these little things or focus only on the bigger picture? Is it selfish to become trapped within something for ourselves, or do we need to take care of us before we focus on others? On the other hand, performing acts of service can help us grow so that we can mature as people. Does any of what we do at our age matter? Is it everything, the foundation for the rest of our lives, or does life start at college. My mom says I won't really be living life when I'm paying my own expenses and taxes, but I think and argue that I could do that if the government would allow me to. On the other hand (again - there are a lot of hands involved, that sounds a bit...weird) would I be able to? Probably not. But some (most) people are more responsible than me. Is it good to be unsure and insecure, or bad. Is it better to be cocky (sorry I mean arrogant Anthony) than to be insecure? If that's the case I'm in trouble. I can't say I'm the best unless I'm being sarcastic. Equality scores high in my (unwritten) book.

Pause the peanut butter

It's not a competition. I'm being me. I'm not trying to outsmart or outshine anyone. I'm just trying to get that across. Expressing myself isn't trying to shadow everyone else. Expressing yourself is about you and not about anyone else. Opinions help and politeness is appreciated. And yes, I'm the kid who sounds like a robotic 5 year old on our answering machine.

Trip fall over into the lamp hyphen twitches slash deformities

The title, the accent, the boat, the weather. Rambling. Blabbing. Conversing. A bang behind me. I'm scared. Chills down my spine. Now it's quiet. Each letter I type is a bang bang bang. The computer is a blinding light and the sounds are exploding from it. Hearing people breathing without seeing them. Hearing clicks from the dishwasher. Crickets chirping. Living in the moment. No thought process. Similar-to-robot. It's weird to type. Without feeling. Without considering. Without guessing or spectulating. Just typing just writing just going along. Not caring about spelling or grammar or sentence structure. Wondering if everyone has gone to bed but me. Ugh - my word of the day almost everyday. But also, another word of the day is "yay" Moody. Confused. Stuttering. Flabbergasted. Jealousy. Lous. Louse? LOST. Everyone loves it. Chime or beep or bleep or whatever it is sounding. Amelia is chatting with me. Falling falling falling. Planting cucumbers. 44 percent dumb. The ratio would be 3 to 3 if you pretended to be a girl. "Why did you want three girls on three boys?" Well I mean I guess ugh ok geez agh adios chao applesauce or mango peach sauce? Interesting. Rice. Chinese food. Laundry. Clean laundry. Living it up. Sleeping. Done.

Hah....moderation....normalization....

Today I was thinking about how truly stupid it is to be normal. What I was laughing at is that little box that say "moderate comments". As if I'll ever get more than 4 comments per entry. It would be nice if more of my friends did blogs too, but you give and take, you know. Ever procrastinate? I'm like the ultimate master of procrastination. I know I hate to brag, but do statements of fact count as bragging? I wonder....anyway, I was just thinking about stuff. You know when you really care about someone and love them, but you don't know them all that well (say it's been a year or so) and they're doing something. You don't really feel comfortable with it, even though you think they're doing it to be nice to you or make you feel better or protected or for whatever reason. But they don't need to do that. See the thing is, it's hard to tell someone to stop doing things that they think are benefiting you. It's awkward and you feel unsettled and guilty, but it's the right thing to do (there's no way around that) so you feel like you have to. But ugh. It's not cool. Ugh is my word of the day by the way. Oh and tally hall is a group that my wonderful friends told me about and I think they're really good and just unknown. I love their song good day. And another favorite is Viva La Vida by Coldplay. It's like perfection in music form. Check it out, you won't be sorry. I've never advertised before, but it was worth a shot I s'pose.

Giving up on boundaries

So I decided while I'm human (hopefully that will be true my whole life) I might as well make the most of being imperfect and learn from it. I want to improve, I want to grow. I want to make a difference, and I want people to like me for me. I don't want the looks that question my sanity, I don't want to laugh at EVERYTHING anymore. I want to have friends I love to pieces, and I want them to like me and not be with me for any other reason. There are no obligations, no tests, no twists, no ulterior motives I'm interested in friends having. I decided I can contradict myself and trip and suck at almost everything on the Earth and be a hypocrite and drop 99 percent of what I pick up as long as I try to learn or get better at weak points. Because yeah, I'm not perfect. But I have a perfect excuse for imperfection (irony kicks in yet again) - being human. I decided that I don't need to be impressed by someone to like them, I don't need to be picky. Who cares if another person doesn't agree. In fact, why not just do your own thing. But you have to value other opinions. Is it ok to be unsure? There look at me. Unsure about whether being unsure is ok. There's insecurity for you. I'm so happy with where I am, allowed to be human and make mistakes and having the best possible people on Earth around me that can help me be me. I like pickles, I can do all the different voice patterns on the JG Wentworth commercials, I like some Britney Spears songs, I say the wrong thing all the time, I only paint the fingernails on my left hand because I'm right handed and unwilling to take risks in painting my right hand. I like peace and Obama. I like to scrub the kitchen floor and pull garlic mustard (which is a plant that does exist). I have been on Gmail 8 hours just waiting for people to get on. I only just recently memorized the first verse of the Star Spangled Banner. I hardly understand baseball, I'm working on it. I really like milk. I have a sick mind, I love nutella, I used to be much more in tune with other's and my own emotions. Now it's almost like I don't know what other people or I'm feeling. Half the time I don't really make sense to myself. I get caught up in my own little world. I'm scared to have a first kiss (it's true) and mice. I don't like to swear, I don't like to brag. I'm surprised at myself when I overachieve something I expected to do moderately well on. I'm insecure, I'm random, I'm annoying and obnoxious, I'm quirky, I'm me and unique and totally lost in life. Good place to be lost in though.

Long time no see.

Taken much? Well someone reminded me I hadn't updated my blog since last Saturday. Which came as a shock. Because you see, I'm a procrastinater, and it says that's spelled wrong, but that's ok with me. I'm a surrealist one at that, so I never think about how long I'm putting things off, I just do it. So my question of the day is, Ever ruin something unintentionally that was supposed to be great? I have a knack for doing that, and it's really annoying me. Because yeah I am human, that shouldn't come as a shock. But insults toward me aren't the best thing I like to spend time hearing. And another thing, I'm no better than you, ok? I'd like to think I'm pretty ok, but flattering myself and being stuck up are easy to do but not the characteristics I want other people to label me with. Also, ever contradict yourself? I'm a hypocrite, I'm stupid, I'm slow, I'm retarded. I'm human. Learn to love me or hate me. Also, here's a quote I really like "Here I am. Like me, I'm with you. Hate me, I'm fine with it". You hating me or thinking I'm not enough isn't going to bring me down. Sure there are moments where i wonder if anyone actually thinks I'm as good as they say i am, or how any guy could think I'm cute, or how anyone could put becca and amazing in the same sentence. But yeesh. Overall, it's all good. Oh and as a side note, don't be afraid to say what you think or feel. It's sort of what life is all about learning to do (well a part of it) so it's almost the polar opposite of doing something wrong. It's kinda sorta about how you say what you say that lets it have the impact it has (or lacks). So yeah. There's yer message for the day. Me myself and I - signing out.

Stage-fright?

Is it just me? Or does anyone else really really really REALLY not want to sing for turbin's?

Cautiously Feeling Hope After the Plummet

Love: contagious to those who accept it, gives someone the power to destroy you. But then, can they come back and make it better...will it ever be as good as it would have been before? Can you trust them not to hurt you again? Maybe they were just being human - does that count for anything? Or does that mean you should chill out and think about it through their eyes. What if hope is something that lifts the boulder off your back, the stomach ache away, makes the heartache and the lump of throat evaporate on the spot? But you can't say if he's telling the truth and you don't want to be paranoid and you think you love him and frankly you're falling to pieces.

What I wrote in a moment of...what was it? Not a failure....a loss...total loss....hopelessness. In a moment of hopelessness last night. But you always have to remember that they are ups and downs. When you feel like you're on top of the world, almost euphoric. And then the all time lows. When you're so happy you're hysteric, it's hard to imagine ever feeling bad. When you're way out of it and sullen it's hard to imagine ever being happy. It's so predictable, yet we (or i at least) can't control it.

Two Point One Verses Waffle Cones

So I can't go to any ice cream social. I always ALWAYS act like an idiot around the guy i like, possibly love (sorry I bet that makes it all the more awkward, huh Anthony?). He'll be like, here's your pencil back. Me: (giggles) alright thanks. Yeesh. Idiot much? Plus that whole "over analyzing everything" trait I have. At least I asked what my teacher defined as a really good question in math instead of stumbling over what the range was. Who was I kidding, I had no idea what the answer was. Then there's the fact my grades are going to be failing ones and I don't even care. My mom once said that in college her two friends were saying how you're acting totally normal than the person you like comes around and you start acting all weird. They called it getting the stupids. I guess I have a severe stupids case. I wonder if people ever get over that after being married or after a long time with the person, or if it's an ongoing thing. That sucks. Not hot. Bleh, Phooey....kablooie? Idk. Life is a highway. i agree. No way Lucy. This is a one way street. What are you rambling about? No idea, well maybe you should step out in the hallway. I'm a singer. No way. Listen. Nah. RED LIGHT STOP! Scissors are better than lightbulbs. Mr Roger's Neighborhood is my number one inspiration. I get to go to a lot of oversea places like Candada - Britney Spears. You copycat! Shut up you second grader in a 7th grader's body! LALALALALA and I don't know what I'm talking about. I HATE CONNER. Don't say, hate is a strong word little girl. Look before you leap and think of the consenquences of your actions. Because after careful consideration I've come to that conclusion and I doubt anything could change my mind.

Life taking it's "course" ain't so pretty

i don't know what to do. you're amazing and i'm not who i appear to be. i'm being me and i'm hurting others and that sucks, ya know? so what can i do? i want to help you out.

i never seem to know what's going on, huh?

What?

so feelings are tough to deal with. we all have them. but how we deal with them is our own choice. it's not up to anyone else how you act. they can manipulate, do the reserve psychology thing, beat you down until your self esteem is gone, try to persuade or convince, shun you, threaten, get physical. but in the end it's all up to you. is it stupid to keep standing up for yourself if it gets you hurt? should you just say, ok, you're right or keep trying and stand strong. what if it does get physical? does that count for anything? for everything? is it really even in question whether or not you stand up for yourself? are people just born with the reasoning already set in their head whether or not they will. and sure it's possible to change and start doing the opposite of before but what if everyone disagrees? what's that tell an adult crap about? what if the person you're standing up to IS an adult? does it matter who they are and what they do? is age and slash or gender taken into consideration? should you even think about confronting an elder that the general old fashioned rule is to "respect your elders"? is that defying social boundaries and proving that kids are turning more bratty and disrespectful? is being outspoken the same as disrespectful or is their a fine line. maybe it depends on the person. some adults are more tolerant than other. that's true for people in general. this is no ageist blog i'm runnin'! sheesh. questions questions questions.