the world

friendship should be easy, but it isnt always. everything is going so wrong. i cant make it right. everything i say is taken the wrong way. everything i say is thrown back at me differently then i expected. why is life throwing me curveballs? and so close to christmas.

i cant talk anymore. i cant say what i feel. it just ruins things. staying neutral is safe. but im not neutral. i have a non neutral opinion. people hear me how they want to hear me. they dont listen. well some do. but the people who listen arent the ones i cant talk to. theyre the ones who listen. who so selflessly listen. maybe the fighting is about listening.

i feel selfish. everything i say is about me. but i have to speak for me, who else? i hate being told i dont care, and i just want to fight. i hate fighting. i hate fighting and pretending like nothing happened. i hate ranting about things i hate. i wish i could pinpoint what was wrong and throw it out the window and forget. but problems dont resolve themselves.

i wish i could be strong for amelia, and not get caught up in drama. she hates it, i think. so do i. do i want to be in this? do i know what i want? i dont know anything anymore. my priorities are all in the wrong order. everything is bad and twisted and wrong on the inside. im so shallow. i act like its ok.

i feel like a drama queen. i act like its the worst. people are starving out there. people are dying. people are in countries that have war going on around them. so many worse things, and middle school drama is throwing me flat on my face. im weak. im selfish. im bad. its horrible. its the worst. i need to realize itll be fine in the long run. maybe even tomorrow. its just hard to be in the present sometimes. sometimes the present doesnt feel like a present. maybe its a blessing in disguise.